Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
