Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
