Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
