I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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