So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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