She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
tonight lets celebrate not being married
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
