I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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