You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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