sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
