I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
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Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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