if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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