Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You smell like a Billy Joel song
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
