Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Im part way to drunk.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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