I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
