He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
someone owes me an orgasm
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
