I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
