I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
