I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
