I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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