Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
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He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
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That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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