Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
