Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
