I smell stomach acid.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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