I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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