i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
