Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
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I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
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We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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