my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
as a side note pls kill me
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