Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
