...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
