It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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