Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
