Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
