They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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