He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
