You're completely useless in the revolution.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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