Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
