He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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