Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
