she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
