Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
