your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
