She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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