I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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