The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
