me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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