I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
