You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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