I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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