How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
God, I missed his penis.
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