the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
As shirtless as possible
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize