he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
