I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
