My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
