So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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