She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
