I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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