You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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