I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Randomize