He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
